Sylar's Snake
by Darkfire359
Summary: Sylar wants to get a pet snake, but events get complicated. Everyone he talks to is an idiot. Includes annoying salespeople and bad French accents.


Sylar was bored. Not the kind of bored that made him want to cut heads open, but a different kind. Almost... loneliness. Yet he didn't feel like bugging one of his friends (and by friends, he meant people that he had tried to kill/had tried to kill him).

He tapped his fingers to the ticking of his numerous clocks, trying to pinpoint this emotion. He wanted... a pet.

Course determined, Sylar jumped up from his sofa, set on his new plan. Now he only had to get in and out of the pet store without killing anyone.

After browsing the pet store for several minutes, it became clear his goal would be hard to accomplish. You see, Sylar didn't want just any pet. He wanted a pet that suited him, one that other people would fear.

Yet all the pets here were sickeningly cute. Just next to him, a puppy wagged its tail, barking happily. It looked at him with its big blue eyes, and Sylar knew immediately that it would befriend anyone.

Now, Sylar wasn't necessarily against dogs or cats (he had even briefly considered stealing Mr. Muggles), but they were so cliched, not to mention oozing innocence.

"Excuse me," he said to a store worker, "do you have anything ferocious or scary?" The person stared blankly for a while.

"Well... we have rabbits." Sylar gritted his teeth, trying not to cut the man's head open.

"In case you haven't noticed, rabbits aren't ferocious in any way."

"Oh. I thought you were asking for something carnivorous."

"They aren't carnivorous either! They eat carrots and lettuce!"

"Which makes them carnivorous."

"No it doesn't!" Sylar sighed.

"Okay," he began slowly, "How about something poisonous?"

"Ummm...umm...uh," the clerk said, trying (and failing) to use his brain, "we have ferrets." Sylar put his palm on his face, and took a deep breath.

"Do you have any snakes?" he finally decided, thinking the question was simple enough.

"Yes."

"Finally! Where are they?"

"Next to the cereal aisle."

With that, Sylar lost it. In less than a second, he had raised his hand and the worker's head was sliced off.

"Well, so much for not killing anybody," Sylar muttered to himself. He kicked the body out of plain view, then went up to the front desk.

"Do you know where I could find a snake?" he asked, settling on that as what he was aiming to get.

"Yeah. Over at Sam's Miniature Zoo, a few blocks from here."

Well. That was slightly more helpful. At least the checkout person didn't seem like the type to check the aisles for dead bodies. So Sylar wouldn't have to worry for.. mayble a couple of hours.

"Escuz mua, seuir," said the guy at the front of the door to Sam's Miniature Zoo, in an accent part French and part weird, "Yeoo mast shaw syum idea."

"What?" Sylar asked.

"Eyu muss shoo sym idye."

"What!"

"Zhow zam idintyfigashun, vool!"

"Okay!" Sylar shouted, displaying his fake i.d., which identified him as Zachery Kwint.

"Zank kyu, seuir." Sylar rubbed his temples, hoping that he would stop constantly encountering idiots. Unfortunately, this was not to be.

"Are you looking for something?" asked a short, bouncy salesgirl.

"Yes. I'm wondering where your snakes are."

"Oh, okay. They're to the right of the dolphin tank," she explained, pointing to the left of the dolphin tank.

"Thank you," Sylar said, putting on his best pseudo-smile. Using his superior reasoning, he decided that if the girl didn't know left from right, it was more likely she knew the direction, but not what it was called.

He turned to the left. But... everyone he encountered today seemed to be as stupid as possible, so he should go right.

But... that would mean what she said was technically accurate. So maybe...

He cursed the twisted logic of irony, and quickly looked around, before deciding to simply levitate himself directly over the tank. Sure enough, he arrived directly at the snake area.

Passing beside many cages, he looked at each snake, trying to decide which would make the best pet. (What? Did you think he was just there to look now? No, the great Sylar does not give up on his plans that easily.)

Sylar realized that he was at a distinct advantage. Whatever one he chose couldn't kill him. A deadly coral snake then? No, the yellow and black made it look like a bumblebee. An enormous anaconda? No, its cage was too big to get, and immortal or not, he didn't want to be strangled in his sleep.

He browsed past snake after snake, always finding fault. Then he arrived at the fox snake exhibit.

The snake (he read its name was Diamond) was not overly colorful, but the blotched pattern was beautiful. It was a constrictor, a few feet in length, and only a couple inches thick, but not very dangerous to humans. It was, however, illegal to own one, due to its status as endangered, and great rarity. It was special.

The fox snake gazed into Sylar's eyes, and he saw in that moment a cuteness few others would ever see in a snake. His decision was made.

Sylar's eyes darted across the ceiling, searching for video cameras. Seeing none, he telekinetically lifted up the locked lid of the cage, and picked Diamond up. She twined around his hand, but just then, an alarm sounded.

"Looks like we're in trouble, Diamond," Sylar cooed.

He dashed past the exhibits, searching for an exit, but then remembered that he would need food, a cage, etcetera. Going back to the cage, he tried in vain to pick it up. All the while, lights were flashing and the alarms were buzzing.

What could he do? Sylar couldn't lift the cage with telekinesis, because it would be noticed when he went outside. But neither could he buy one easily, both due to the stolen fox snake curled around his hand, and due to his recent murder at the pet store. For the first time ever, he wished he still had Zane Taylor's power, so he could melt a cage together.

"Oh well, Diamond. I don't think you'll mind not being locked up for now."

He ran from the cage again, and, failing to find a door, telekinetically enhanced his strength, then kicked down the wall.

The serial killer ran outside, snake around his hand, then proceeded to blend in with the New York crowd.

"Hey, dude, what's with the snake?" some person asked.

"Well," Sylar began, thinking fast, "I have to take my snake for walks, the same way some people have to take their dogs on walks."

"Cool!"

After that, Sylar continued unhindered, all the while trying to think of how to get a cage for Diamond. As much as he would have liked to not lock her up, it was a well known fact that snakes were very good at escaping. Then, when he entered his apartment complex, and idea struck him.

A few floors down from Sylar's apartment lived old lady Piffins. She was your typical kind old lady, who was fortunately very gullible, and rather stupid (there seemed to be more and more of these people). Which was precisely why her fish had died, and she hadn't bothered to get rid of their large aquarium.

Walking up to the door, Sylar shapeshifted into the cliched of a government service worker. He rang the doorbell.

"Just a minute, Sonny!" she cried. Mrs. Piffins answered the door after walking there at her snail pace.

"Ma'am, you have failed to pay your prune juice tax," Sylar explained, turning to his trusty Texas accent.

"Oh! I forgot about that. How much do I owe you?"

"Well," Sylar said, pausing, as if to think, "I really hate to take money from a pretty young lady like yourself." Mrs. Piffins blushed, her facial wrinkles crinkling in the process.

"So," he continued, "I'd be willin' to take the unused fish tank of yers, since it'd be about equal in value."

"Thank you. I was going to get rid of that anyway."

Sylar strolled over, picked up the aquarium, and was about to leave when Mrs. Piffins asked,

"What's with your glove?"

"What?" he asked. She pointed to Diamond, still curled contently around his hand. Unfortunately, fox snakes were apparently aggravated by old ladies. Diamond uncoiled, and bit Mrs. Piffins's hand.

"Ah! The glove bit me!" she then proceeded to run around, snake still attached to her finger, then trip and fall.

Sylar burst out laughing, causing him to drop the aquarium. Although he telekinetically caught it before it broke on the floor, Mrs. Piffins noticed, and screamed.

Gently levitating Diamond over to him, Sylar slowly spoke to Mrs. Piffins.

"This is all just a dream. You took to much Aspirin, and passed out." He figured that if her eyesight was bad enough/she was delusional enough to think that a snake was a glove, no one would believe her anyway. Then, so she couldn't follow him, he knocked her unconscious with lightning.

"Okay, Diamond. I'm going to have to put you in this tank now, so I can carry it without using my powers."

He carefully placed his new pet in the empty fish tank, then proceeded to lug it up three flights of stairs to his room. Once inside, he shapeshifted back, the set the new cage on a spare table, where about half of it was in the sunlight. After that, he looked up "snake care" on the internet.

The good news was that they could go a while without food, which would be helpful for his... excursions. The bad news was that even with Ebay's speed delivery, it would take a while to get the bedding, heat lamp, branched tree, and frozen rats he would need. Until then, he had poured out some dirt from his potted plant to serve as the bedding, and had placed a flat dish of water inside the enclosure.

Diamond looked a bit bored, however, so Sylar took her out and stroked her scales (the internet had said that snakes should get used to human contact), then turned on the TV.

"In other news, a clerk at a local pet store was brutally murdered..." He switched the channel so Diamond wouldn't think of him like that.

"Hey, The Beauty of Snakes is playing on Animal Planet! Want to watch?" Sylar asked.

Diamond looked up and him and flicked her tongue peacefully. Sylar knew this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Author's Note: Sorry if it got a little sappy there. Snake stories just give me such a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I don't actually have a pet snake, but I've loved them most of my life, especially after I met a fox snake named Ruby. And yes, they will do that really sweet twisting around your hand thing. So what do you think? Should I continue the story? Review!


End file.
